Okay, so what do I mean? Well, I kind of thinking that I am living two or even more lives in one body. I am very sad and frustrated right now, yet I just did a celebration with my friends and looked happy and all cheerful. Am I getting crazy? I feel kind of tired, maybe I really should just let everything go and don't care about things that did not matters me anymore, then maybe I can feel happy again, yet I doubt it will be anytime soon as I kind of taking these things seriously and it will be bothering me for quite some time and even will feel it when I am during or thinking similar things. I just don't forget things like this.
Well, I think I am really getting crazy for writing this much post in a day. Haha. Whatever, if I did not pour it all out here I don't know what will happen to me, so be it.
Friday, January 1, 2010
Was I too much?
Well, once again I won't tell you straight about what I am writing about, you have to guess it by yourself as I don't think I can write it out clearly.
You could say I have a strong passion nearing to obsession to two things. Yet I was hurt once last year during my interfering which cause them to feel offended. This force me to be emotionally affected as I feel responsible for making them angry. This cause me to make space between myself and my obsession to the first thing. Now, just a few days back, I decided to intervene on the second and the same thing happen again. Now I really felt distance from the two things I once felt deeply connected with and held it with pride. Now, I just feel like it does not belong to me anymore as it is so much different from the way I remember them. They don't do things the same way anymore, they don't show the kind of passion anymore, they don't even speak like they used to, maybe they had grown, maybe I had aged, things will never be the same anymore as times wait for no one.
So, I was thinking, was I too much but saying out what I thought? I feel depressed as I never expect such a respond from someone who I thought will be the few who would understand, maybe I am getting old in this, maybe it is really time to let go, to move on. Well, frankly speaking, this might even be the last event that I will go back to as there aren't many more opportunities left for me. They grew, I grew, the first and second thing also grew. It grew to something different, I don't even know what it look like during my time, maybe I really am too old for this.
So here I am, saying Goodbye, to the two things that I once feel strongly about, that fill up most of my high school life,
Goodbye and I wish you well.
You could say I have a strong passion nearing to obsession to two things. Yet I was hurt once last year during my interfering which cause them to feel offended. This force me to be emotionally affected as I feel responsible for making them angry. This cause me to make space between myself and my obsession to the first thing. Now, just a few days back, I decided to intervene on the second and the same thing happen again. Now I really felt distance from the two things I once felt deeply connected with and held it with pride. Now, I just feel like it does not belong to me anymore as it is so much different from the way I remember them. They don't do things the same way anymore, they don't show the kind of passion anymore, they don't even speak like they used to, maybe they had grown, maybe I had aged, things will never be the same anymore as times wait for no one.
So, I was thinking, was I too much but saying out what I thought? I feel depressed as I never expect such a respond from someone who I thought will be the few who would understand, maybe I am getting old in this, maybe it is really time to let go, to move on. Well, frankly speaking, this might even be the last event that I will go back to as there aren't many more opportunities left for me. They grew, I grew, the first and second thing also grew. It grew to something different, I don't even know what it look like during my time, maybe I really am too old for this.
So here I am, saying Goodbye, to the two things that I once feel strongly about, that fill up most of my high school life,
Goodbye and I wish you well.
Let Go?
Should I really let go now? I don't think I can bare the feeling and I only felt it less than half an hour ago.
Of course I know the hatred feeling of the one who criticize, yet they don't seem to get the feelings of anxious we had. The thought everything is going to be find and it is us, the "old" ones that are anxious and afraid that they can't make it and end up doing it ourselves. Should I let go? Or a better phrase is should we let go? I know I should as I can, but they can't, they still hold the responsibility and can't just decided that they don't want to care anymore. As they might take the blame of not caring and I don't want that to happen for my friend, after all, we had our times together and I thought they deserve better. But, they just do not have the heart to scold and this worry me worst. I am afraid that the place I once called home will be lost, or not what it used to be. I am afraid, I really am, that is why I made the decision to bring the truth, and this hurts them and eventually me. As I blame myself for affecting them and now I am affected, quite badly.
Maybe it is really time for me to let go. Leave all the memories where they belong, in the mind and let things be as it is, without me interfering it. But can I do it? Can I watch my "home" risk the chance of destruction and not care? Maybe I should, as it is not the same "home" I look up to anymore, I just hope it will continue being a "home" for others like me, and find the initiative to give in all to it like I once did, like WE once did, and save it, and make it, HOME again.
Of course I know the hatred feeling of the one who criticize, yet they don't seem to get the feelings of anxious we had. The thought everything is going to be find and it is us, the "old" ones that are anxious and afraid that they can't make it and end up doing it ourselves. Should I let go? Or a better phrase is should we let go? I know I should as I can, but they can't, they still hold the responsibility and can't just decided that they don't want to care anymore. As they might take the blame of not caring and I don't want that to happen for my friend, after all, we had our times together and I thought they deserve better. But, they just do not have the heart to scold and this worry me worst. I am afraid that the place I once called home will be lost, or not what it used to be. I am afraid, I really am, that is why I made the decision to bring the truth, and this hurts them and eventually me. As I blame myself for affecting them and now I am affected, quite badly.
Maybe it is really time for me to let go. Leave all the memories where they belong, in the mind and let things be as it is, without me interfering it. But can I do it? Can I watch my "home" risk the chance of destruction and not care? Maybe I should, as it is not the same "home" I look up to anymore, I just hope it will continue being a "home" for others like me, and find the initiative to give in all to it like I once did, like WE once did, and save it, and make it, HOME again.
Thursday, December 31, 2009
Goodbye 2009?
Should I say goodbye?
But I don't want to say goodbye yet, there are so many things that make me don't want to leave it.
It had been such a nice year for me, although I left my high school friends and start in a place where I don't really familiar with. Yet as time goes by and I got along with all my friends at school, things turn out to be quite fun! I like my Hostel Gang! We're COOL !
Haha. Its so sad that those days had to end so quickly, why does happy days seem shorter?
The days we spend together, last minute studying for exams, preparing for presentation, coping reports, haha, having lunch and dinner together, and don't forget the countless DOTA rounds, and sometimes even baths together. (at the same time) Haha. Kind of miss those days.
And 2010, with so many uncertainty, so many unknown things that are waiting to happen. Leaving my friends, all gone to different places, pursuing a course that I don't know if I am capable of, in a far far away place, (actually it is just a 10hour flight, but that IS far.)
Do I look forward to 2010? Of course not! I hope time can stop at 2009, but time waits for no one, so no matter how badly I am not wanting 2010 to come, yet it has came. Here goes to a new year, I just hope everything will turn out to be fine as I don't think I can afford to breakdown in a place I am not familiar with, without the company of family and friends.
Happy New Year.
But I don't want to say goodbye yet, there are so many things that make me don't want to leave it.
It had been such a nice year for me, although I left my high school friends and start in a place where I don't really familiar with. Yet as time goes by and I got along with all my friends at school, things turn out to be quite fun! I like my Hostel Gang! We're COOL !
Haha. Its so sad that those days had to end so quickly, why does happy days seem shorter?
The days we spend together, last minute studying for exams, preparing for presentation, coping reports, haha, having lunch and dinner together, and don't forget the countless DOTA rounds, and sometimes even baths together. (at the same time) Haha. Kind of miss those days.
And 2010, with so many uncertainty, so many unknown things that are waiting to happen. Leaving my friends, all gone to different places, pursuing a course that I don't know if I am capable of, in a far far away place, (actually it is just a 10hour flight, but that IS far.)
Do I look forward to 2010? Of course not! I hope time can stop at 2009, but time waits for no one, so no matter how badly I am not wanting 2010 to come, yet it has came. Here goes to a new year, I just hope everything will turn out to be fine as I don't think I can afford to breakdown in a place I am not familiar with, without the company of family and friends.
Happy New Year.
Friday, December 18, 2009
Results
Well, my results are out and once again I am not satisfied with it as it is not as good as I hoped it would be. Yet what do I expect when I did not give my fullest to prepare for the exam and always hope that a miracle would happen, that luck would be on my side. Well, I can say bye bye to my course as I did not reach the required ATAR, although I can use another pathway to reach my goal but I am not sure if I want to go that way. It all depends on the universities now whether to accept me or not, so I will leave it to them. I am just dropping by to say how sad and regret I felt, yet I think I will repeat this part again in future as this is how I am, so until I am awaken myself fully and take the initiative to change myself, I will be sure that I will write something like this. Haha.
So, keeping my fingers cross that I will really work hard for my degree, whatever degree that might be..
So, keeping my fingers cross that I will really work hard for my degree, whatever degree that might be..
Monday, December 14, 2009
Note to God
If I wrote a note to God
I would speak whats in my soul
I'd ask for all the hate to be swept away,
For love to overflow
If I wrote a note to God
I'd pour my heart out on each page
I'd ask for war to end
And For peace to mend this world
I'd say, I'd say, I'd say
Give us the strength to make it through
Help us find love cause love is over due
And it seems like so much is going wrong
On this road we're on
If I wrote a note to God
I'd say please help us find our way
End all the bitterness, put some tenderness in our hearts
And I'd say, I'd say, I'd say
Give us the strength to make it through
Help us find love cause love is over due
And it looks like we haven't got a clue
Need some help from you
Grant us the faith to carry on
Give us hope when it seems all hope is gone
Cause it seems like so much is going wrong
On this road we're on
No, no no
We can't do it on our own
So, so
Give us the strength to make it through
Help us find love cause love is over due
And it looks like we haven't got a clue
Need some help
Grant us the faith to carry on
Give us hope when it seems all hope is gone
Cause it seems like so much is going wrong
On this road we're on
No, no no
We can’t do it on our own
So, so
If I wrote a note to God
Oh My God! This song caught my eyes, (or maybe ears) when i first saw (listen) it on Astro. It is on Oprah show and I heard this song. Oh My God! The girl who sang this song really looks like she meant it. She really sang it with all the feelings in it. That is why I loved it. Charice is her name but I think this song is from JoJo. Please, if any of you are reading this, please listen to the song.
the video from Youtube
Thursday, December 10, 2009
ANGRY
Shit!! I am so angry right now!!
Reason? I am not sure. My mood had been swinging up and down for some time now..
You see, I am cooling down now and it has only been a few minutes ago that I am very angry. Haha.. Crazy.
Whatever, my mood is coming back. I better stop writing or I will write something that I will regret reading later.
Reason? I am not sure. My mood had been swinging up and down for some time now..
You see, I am cooling down now and it has only been a few minutes ago that I am very angry. Haha.. Crazy.
Whatever, my mood is coming back. I better stop writing or I will write something that I will regret reading later.
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