Okay, so what do I mean? Well, I kind of thinking that I am living two or even more lives in one body. I am very sad and frustrated right now, yet I just did a celebration with my friends and looked happy and all cheerful. Am I getting crazy? I feel kind of tired, maybe I really should just let everything go and don't care about things that did not matters me anymore, then maybe I can feel happy again, yet I doubt it will be anytime soon as I kind of taking these things seriously and it will be bothering me for quite some time and even will feel it when I am during or thinking similar things. I just don't forget things like this.
Well, I think I am really getting crazy for writing this much post in a day. Haha. Whatever, if I did not pour it all out here I don't know what will happen to me, so be it.
Friday, January 1, 2010
Was I too much?
Well, once again I won't tell you straight about what I am writing about, you have to guess it by yourself as I don't think I can write it out clearly.
You could say I have a strong passion nearing to obsession to two things. Yet I was hurt once last year during my interfering which cause them to feel offended. This force me to be emotionally affected as I feel responsible for making them angry. This cause me to make space between myself and my obsession to the first thing. Now, just a few days back, I decided to intervene on the second and the same thing happen again. Now I really felt distance from the two things I once felt deeply connected with and held it with pride. Now, I just feel like it does not belong to me anymore as it is so much different from the way I remember them. They don't do things the same way anymore, they don't show the kind of passion anymore, they don't even speak like they used to, maybe they had grown, maybe I had aged, things will never be the same anymore as times wait for no one.
So, I was thinking, was I too much but saying out what I thought? I feel depressed as I never expect such a respond from someone who I thought will be the few who would understand, maybe I am getting old in this, maybe it is really time to let go, to move on. Well, frankly speaking, this might even be the last event that I will go back to as there aren't many more opportunities left for me. They grew, I grew, the first and second thing also grew. It grew to something different, I don't even know what it look like during my time, maybe I really am too old for this.
So here I am, saying Goodbye, to the two things that I once feel strongly about, that fill up most of my high school life,
Goodbye and I wish you well.
You could say I have a strong passion nearing to obsession to two things. Yet I was hurt once last year during my interfering which cause them to feel offended. This force me to be emotionally affected as I feel responsible for making them angry. This cause me to make space between myself and my obsession to the first thing. Now, just a few days back, I decided to intervene on the second and the same thing happen again. Now I really felt distance from the two things I once felt deeply connected with and held it with pride. Now, I just feel like it does not belong to me anymore as it is so much different from the way I remember them. They don't do things the same way anymore, they don't show the kind of passion anymore, they don't even speak like they used to, maybe they had grown, maybe I had aged, things will never be the same anymore as times wait for no one.
So, I was thinking, was I too much but saying out what I thought? I feel depressed as I never expect such a respond from someone who I thought will be the few who would understand, maybe I am getting old in this, maybe it is really time to let go, to move on. Well, frankly speaking, this might even be the last event that I will go back to as there aren't many more opportunities left for me. They grew, I grew, the first and second thing also grew. It grew to something different, I don't even know what it look like during my time, maybe I really am too old for this.
So here I am, saying Goodbye, to the two things that I once feel strongly about, that fill up most of my high school life,
Goodbye and I wish you well.
Let Go?
Should I really let go now? I don't think I can bare the feeling and I only felt it less than half an hour ago.
Of course I know the hatred feeling of the one who criticize, yet they don't seem to get the feelings of anxious we had. The thought everything is going to be find and it is us, the "old" ones that are anxious and afraid that they can't make it and end up doing it ourselves. Should I let go? Or a better phrase is should we let go? I know I should as I can, but they can't, they still hold the responsibility and can't just decided that they don't want to care anymore. As they might take the blame of not caring and I don't want that to happen for my friend, after all, we had our times together and I thought they deserve better. But, they just do not have the heart to scold and this worry me worst. I am afraid that the place I once called home will be lost, or not what it used to be. I am afraid, I really am, that is why I made the decision to bring the truth, and this hurts them and eventually me. As I blame myself for affecting them and now I am affected, quite badly.
Maybe it is really time for me to let go. Leave all the memories where they belong, in the mind and let things be as it is, without me interfering it. But can I do it? Can I watch my "home" risk the chance of destruction and not care? Maybe I should, as it is not the same "home" I look up to anymore, I just hope it will continue being a "home" for others like me, and find the initiative to give in all to it like I once did, like WE once did, and save it, and make it, HOME again.
Of course I know the hatred feeling of the one who criticize, yet they don't seem to get the feelings of anxious we had. The thought everything is going to be find and it is us, the "old" ones that are anxious and afraid that they can't make it and end up doing it ourselves. Should I let go? Or a better phrase is should we let go? I know I should as I can, but they can't, they still hold the responsibility and can't just decided that they don't want to care anymore. As they might take the blame of not caring and I don't want that to happen for my friend, after all, we had our times together and I thought they deserve better. But, they just do not have the heart to scold and this worry me worst. I am afraid that the place I once called home will be lost, or not what it used to be. I am afraid, I really am, that is why I made the decision to bring the truth, and this hurts them and eventually me. As I blame myself for affecting them and now I am affected, quite badly.
Maybe it is really time for me to let go. Leave all the memories where they belong, in the mind and let things be as it is, without me interfering it. But can I do it? Can I watch my "home" risk the chance of destruction and not care? Maybe I should, as it is not the same "home" I look up to anymore, I just hope it will continue being a "home" for others like me, and find the initiative to give in all to it like I once did, like WE once did, and save it, and make it, HOME again.
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